literature

Words Unspoken

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Zark123's avatar
By
Published:
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Literature Text

In these lives of parodies,
In these times of bitter dreams,
We speak in elegies
As the churchyard resonates with peace.


In the womb of the autumn breeze
There lie the things we never say,
Like once proud amber leaves
Which fly away, oh so far away.


Of thoughts too queer to speak
And words suppressed that ceased to be
And the love that made us bleed,
T'was but too frail to be freed.


In our cowardice and pride
Those pretences of our own device,
We hurt and made them cry
And found no need to apologize.


All the times that we stood still
As tyrants drew blood from every kill
And this world never made any sense
Oh but we stood in cloyed silence,


But someday a time will come
When the caskets of our lost words
Will shatter with feelings unspent
And haunt us to our graves,


So for all the lies and silent nights,
The days we've failed to bare our souls,
For all the hearts, bled and broken,
This one's for all the words unspoken.
Will you ever speak your mind?
© 2011 - 2024 Zark123
Comments35
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Obsidian-Nightfall's avatar
:star::star::star::star-empty: Overall
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star-half::star-empty::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Impact

This is a good poem, I like the form, the rhytm and the rhyme. You clearly have some talent. I do, however, have some things that need pointing out.

You've bombarded this poem with commas, a lot of which are not needed. Grammar is as important to poetry as is the words, they can help articulate and accentuate what it is you're trying to say. You need to go through this and punctuate it properly. Until you've done that this piece will always come across as very amateur.

Words like 'T'was' are archaic and have no place in modern poetry it only makes you sound pretentious, which, for me, will detract from my reading of this piece. You want to stay away from old fashioned and dead words.

My advice is to take this poem and redraft it. I look forward to seeing the revised version.