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Submitted on
January 8, 2013
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A shy hello begins the tale,
Two strangers in a play,
A quiet word, a moment's care
Brings back the mirth of May,
And then a smile, a borrowed laugh,
Perhaps a happy tear,
Life's woes are few, its gifts renew,
But they don't last, my dear.


Such weeping I have often seen;
So many fruitless tears,
And yet a question I have asked
Met silence through the years.
Alone the crave, alone the grave;
All pain is pleasure's loan,
We come with naught, and thus depart,
Tell me, what do we own?


We are wildflowers in the breeze
A breath of father time,
And in the hue, in wanton dew
Perhaps there is some rhyme,
And for a spell, we briefly brush
And love and live in vain,  
But one by one we must wave on
To never meet again.
A thought on farewells.
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:iconthenaughticallife:
Critique by TheNAUGHTicalLife Jan 8, 2013, 7:44:51 AM
I want to start off by saying your meter was nearly flawless. Very lyrical and a good juxtaposition between the content and the delivery which gives weight and thought to the themes

This is one of the better poems I've seen, not just on this site. It could do with some more polishing but it seems you put a good amount of time into it already. There's nothing glaringly wrong with this poem so I'll just add some thoughts:

-You bring out a lot of natural imagery. Could you possibly fuse that with the suggestion of life as a play in the first stanza?
-The question at the end of the second stanza seems awkward.
-
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconshehrozeameen:
I will give you credit for a flawless meter, and a vision as clear as seeing a `zancan oil-on-canvas painting come to life. For that, I will give you credit on your effort in this poem. Well done.

This was, to me at least, one of your few poems that I understood, that I liked, and I feel... was perfection in a very straightforward theme put into a form that was clear (I won't go into the details about the stanzas, because that would mean alluding to literary references. Its fine the way it is) and did give a weight to goodbyes...
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
6 out of 6 deviants thought this was fair.

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:iconmirrasae:
Mirrasae Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2013   Writer
This. Is. A. Masterpiece. Pure and simple. The meter is perfect, the flow wondrous, the content divine. Well done, deep, thoughtful. Profound.
Reply
:iconzark123:
Zark123 Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2013  Student Writer
I thank you for reading through it =) Your comment has made my day.
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:iconmirrasae:
Mirrasae Featured By Owner Jun 25, 2013   Writer
My pleasure, I assure you! :aww:
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:iconmusicgypsy:
musicgypsy Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2013  Hobbyist
Oh goodness. Usually I tend not to deel the emotional depth in fixed style poetry as much as in free verse, but this poem here is just absolutely magnetic to me. It has the most beautiful, steady metre and the most organized thought pattern, but it's as strong emotionally as it is technically. I feel odd saying "well done" because I am in awe of your talent. I especially love the last stanza, and the finality of your tone. Wonderful work. I'm going to look through the rest of your gallery :)
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:iconzark123:
Zark123 Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you so much! =) I'm really glad you spent your minute to type out this lovely, elaborate comment! =D Please do take a look, and let me know if you have any topics that you particularly like. I'll try to hand pick one of my works that will suit your taste.
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:icontommyboywood:
tommyboywood Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
finally, a poet's poem!
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:iconzark123:
Zark123 Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013  Student Writer
Thanks =)
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:iconastro-creep166:
Astro-Creep166 Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I love this one.

A breath of father time? Genius work, my good sir
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:iconzark123:
Zark123 Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you, my friend!
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